What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 09:47
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Have you ever had sex with your mother-in-law? If so, how was it and did your wife ever find out?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would this be the day?
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She loved him until the end.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I think the readers, may guess!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
How does the brain decide "what" thought to attach to a feeling?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I write beautiful poetry .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It was going to be , some day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But, we were locked up after school.
This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She married twice! .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
All the time i was locked up.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!